


Adam's Song

by transcendnt



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adams past child abuse is referenced, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Fluff, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, More tags will be added as the story is updated, Nightmares, Rated M for later Chapters, Rating May Change, Romance, Ronan has a lip piercing, Slow Burn, more characters may be added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-08-23 01:43:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16609493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transcendnt/pseuds/transcendnt
Summary: College AU in which Adam believes he is unlovable because of his past, and Ronan believes he is unlovable because of his body.





	1. Going Away To College

**Author's Note:**

> A story I'm writing because its a story I wish I could read, but it doesn't exist so I'm making it exist.
> 
> Yes, the title of this work and the name of each chapter is blink-182 songs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam doubted he would ever run into someone he could be friends with, let alone someone in a similar situation as him. He doubted any of these boys knew what it was like to work your ass off on as many late nights as you could just to get enough cash to slide by, only for your hours that are supposed to be for sleep to be dedicated to studying.

Adam never expected that he, of all people, would make it into the Aglionby University for Boys. The standards were high, and so were the prices. Adam got in by a stroke of luck, a mountain of scholarships, countless exhausting hours of studying, and plenty of government financial help. Still, there was a lot left to pay. A lot left for Adam's situation, anyway. Anyone else studying here would've thought the remaining cost was a minor irritation.

On the first day of college, Adam stood at the front of one of the larger buildings on campus, which he hoped was the right one, his hands nervously gripping the straps of his backpack. It was an enormous structure, with obnoxiously long stairs leading to the entrance, especially for a building where English is taught. Fancy boys in nice clothes walked every which way, finding their classes and probably knowing their way around better than Adam did.

Adam sucked in a clump of fresh fall air before planting his foot on the first step. He began to ascend into the sea of people who were nothing like him.

He wasn't intimidated by the idea of college, but rather the idea of the types of people who attended this particular one. It was full of stuck up rich boys, ungrateful swine whose parents paid for their education only for their son to slack off, and ignorant ones who took their wealth for granted. Adam doubted he would ever run into someone he could be friends with, let alone someone in a similar situation as him. He doubted any of these boys knew what it was like to work your ass off on as many late nights as you could just to get enough cash to slide by, only for your hours that are supposed to be for sleep to be dedicated to studying. He didn't think any of them knew the feeling of praying your test scores measured your intelligence enough to be eligible for scholarships, and praying your millions of essays were good enough to win the millions of scholarships you'd need just to pay what seemed like only a fraction of the cost for your education. And with the help of no one.

Adam was convinced he would be in debt for the rest of his life.

He tried to clear his mind of the bitterness these types of boys made him feel, and concentrated on what he needed to get done.

Surprisingly enough, Adam wasn't late to his English class. He trudged past the flocks of basic young rich men spread throughout the standard rows of seats until he found a chair on the very end, to the far right, in the second row. Adam liked to be towards the front so he could hear the professor and focus to the best of his ability. It was hard when he could only hear out of one ear and he wanted to get the most out of every class.

The professor joined the class and the cliques of rich boys began to scatter to their seats. Every seat was taken except for the one next to Adam and the one after it. Adam was isolated. Typical. He wished he could at least pretend to be shocked. He wondered if the other boys could smell his poverty. He wondered how nasty it smelled to the more fortunate.

The professor set his stack of books on his desk, and just then two boys infiltrated the room. One had warm blonde hair and circular-rimmed glasses, and the other had a shaven head and icy blue eyes, accompanied by a lip piercing. The blue eyed boy stood out the most, not only because he was wearing a white muscle tee with extra wide holes for the arms so his stomach was practically showing, but he also had what appeared to be a large and intricate back tattoo poking out of his shirt. He stuck out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of the bland and boring boys. He was the odd one out when it came to looks in this school. The one that didn't seem to fit in. Adam could relate.

The boys looked around the room, realizing the only two seats left were next to Adam. The blonde boy took the seat next to Adam, and the odd one took the seat next to the blonde one. Adam tried not to stare and set his eyes to the front of the room, where the scraggly-haired professor began a lecture shortly after introducing himself and taking attendance.

Adam mentally noted that the blonde boy was named Richard Gansey, and the other was Ronan Lynch.

Adam hadn't had the spare few cents for a notebook, so he had hoped that an English class of all classes would have a spare stack of paper in the corner of the room he could use to take notes. Naturally, with his luck, there was no such stack in sight. Adam hated leeching off others, he hated using the resources of others, but in this case, he couldn't afford to miss out on important notes. His only option was to ask Richard for a piece of paper out of his notebook.

"Uh.. Richard is it?" Adam inquired quietly, craning his neck to look at the blonde boy.

"Oh, please call me Gansey. Just a preference. I recall your name is Adam, correct?"

This boy was unexpectedly polite. Like he knew exactly how to talk to people. With that level of confidence, Adam probably would too.

"Yeah. I was just going to ask if you had a piece of paper I could borrow. I forgot to pick up a notebook the other day." Adam felt foolish and embarrassed. He felt bad for wasting Gansey's time. He felt bad for asking for something from Gansey, even though Gansey could probably buy a thousand notebooks and barely scratch the surface of a fraction of his wealth, while Adam struggled to be able to afford a single one.

Strangely enough, Gansey didn't seem to mind Adam asking. He spoke firmly yet quietly, so he wouldn't interrupt the professor. "No problem Adam," Gansey tore a piece of paper out of his red notebook, careful not to leave any of the messy fringe, "Nice to meet you by the way." Gansey handed Adam a perfectly trimmed, clean-edged, piece of college ruled paper.

"Nice to meet you too, Gansey. Thanks." Adam smiled to himself. He never expected his first encounter at Aglionby to be so nice.

When the class was over, Adam realized he had no idea where his next destination was located. He realized with disappointment in himself, he would have to ask Gansey.

"Gansey, wait," Adam called before the smart-looking boy could leave the room and destroy Adam's chances of making it to his next class on time.

Gansey whipped around, seeming happy to oblige. "Yeah?"

Ronan crossed his arms impatiently, seeming to be irritated that he had to wait for his friend.

"Do you happen to know where the science building is?"

"Well, it really depends. Science classes take place in several different buildings." Gansey placed his thumb and index finger on his chin. His face possessed a confused look.

"Its the one with this address," Adam dug out a crumpled paper with the names and addresses of buildings on campus scribbled out, and pointed to the second one.

"Ah, that one's not far. Its behind a bunch of trees so I'll show you the way when we get outside, if you don't mind."

"Sure. Thank you so much, Gansey. Sorry for the trouble."

Gansey and Ronan began walking down the hall, with Adam following shortly behind. "Oh, its no issue at all. I know this place like the back of my hand, even though I'm a freshman on my first day, thanks to the millions of tours my parents had me go on. They just had to make a good impression." Gansey scuffed lightly, but not in disgust. He seemed to think his parents were ridiculous, but not in a bad way.

He continued enthusiastically, "Lots of people come up to me for help, now that I think about it. I'll probably even have to help Ronan sometimes, right Ronan?" Gansey gave a friendly nudge to the blue-eyed boy with his elbow.

Ronan rolled his eyes, "Yeah, sure. Not like I'd bother to memorize this place like you."

"What a way to introduce yourself to Adam," Gansey said sarcastically. "Don't mind him Adam, he's always in a crappy mood when he's at school."

"I don't blame him," Adam added as Gansey held the door open for him and Ronan as they stepped outside.

"Okay, see those bushes over there?" Gansey pointed to a neatly trimmed, even line of squared shrubs, "Just walk past those, and walk by the first building you see. The one you're looking for is the one behind it, the red-ish brick one. Can't miss it. And your particular classroom is down the first floor hall on the right. You'll know what I'm talking about once you're in." Gansey turned to his friend, "What about you, Ronan?"

Ronan looked at Gansey, "Guess I'm in the same building as Adam. Going for some bullshit philosophy class I don't need, though. Maybe I'll just skip."

"Ronan, we've been over this. I'm forcing you to graduate if I have to. You're going to that class or else I'm kicking you out of my place if that's what it comes down to."

"Whatever. Bye, Gansey." Ronan mumbled carelessly.

"See ya, Gansey. Nice meeting you and thanks again," Adam presumed. Gansey was already yards away as he gave an enthusiastic wave, his arm high in the air and his heels off the ground before spinning around in the other direction. Adam was left awkwardly with Ronan. Both the boys slowly turned to walk in the direction of their next classes.

Adam broke the discomforting silence with small talk about their only thing in common so far: the overly polite, handsome young man who likely ironed his clothes and put expensive gel in his hair every morning. "Gansey's really nice, huh?"

"Yeah, sometimes to the point where it makes me vomit a little. I admire the man for putting up with this shitty place and still managing to crack a smile every five seconds," Ronan remarked with a spot-on description of Gansey.

"I agree with you on that one," Adam added shyly. He glanced at the taller boy, who proceeded to look ahead, like he was in a rush to get the day over and done with. He didn't bother to look at Adam.

The boys reached the two sets of double doors. Adam supposed the door on the right was the right hallway Gansey was talking about. Ronan took the left door, so Adam guessed this was where they'd part ways.

"Well see you next class, Ronan. I'm glad I got to meet you and Gansey."

Ronan finally looked in the direction of Adam, pausing with his hand on the door handle, "That's if I even show up. Yeah, see you maybe." Ronan said abruptly before leaving.

Adam couldn't figure out if Ronan didn't care about meeting Adam or if that's just the way Ronan's personality was. Adam hoped he'd get to know Gansey and Ronan better. They looked and acted like polar opposites. They were certainly an odd pair of unlikely friends. While Gansey seemed neat and composed, Ronan seemed scattered and careless.

Adam wondered what it was like to be careless. What a luxury. Still, he tried not to judge Ronan as a person even though he was privileged with the ability to even think about not showing up to classes. Ronan had money and opportunity, and it blew Adam's mind how much he didn't seem to care. How much this boy could let go to waste. Ronan intrigued him.

The remainder of the day for Adam was spent taking thorough notes in his classes, wondering about his new acquaintances, and pondering what his college life would be like if a low life such as him could make friends with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try to update this work once a week but no promises that i'll be able to hit my mark every time. Either way, I hope you all enjoy this story as i flesh it out! I'm excited to be posting my first lengthy fanfic.


	2. Story of a Lonely Guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His emotions were swimming in booze, and now they were coming to the surface for air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **IMPORTANT:** This is a longer chapter where we get into Ronan's depression, alcoholism, and identity. Ronan is a trans boy in this AU, written by a trans boy so the experience is accurately portrayed. Please no transphobia in the comments. His depression is also described through the lens of someone who has depression.
> 
> Also, trigger warning for subtle suicidal thoughts just for this chapter.
> 
> One last thing, I promise this story has a happy ending.

On the second day of college, Ronan uncaringly skipped the remaining two classes he had. He wasn't even sure if he cared whether he passed or failed. Gansey cared more about Ronan's future than Ronan himself did.

Ronan unhurriedly wandered the perimeter of the campus, looking for the perfect spot he could remain unbothered by the old professors and rowdy students. He passed up potential candidates like building corners and picnic tables that didn't make the cut, either because they were too sunny, too exposed, or both. 

After about fifteen minutes of roaming the campus, Ronan struck gold. He spotted a corner shrouded in shade where he could sit on the concrete, lean against the wall, and perhaps even lay down. It was an area behind a small storage structure which appeared to not be in use - something Ronan could definitely work with.

The Irish boy sat in the secluded corner with his legs crossed, a can of cheap beer in hand. The can felt warm from setting in his car but he didn't mind. A drink was a drink and they all lead to the same effect. 

He tossed at least three other cans into his backpack this morning, but who's counting? This wasn't the first time Ronan let himself get drunk on campus. Ronan could tell that he was going to visit this spot quite frequently. He liked the isolation and the separation from the population that the thick brick walls and trees looming over him provided. He was alone. He was escaping. He was in his own world. The way he wanted it to stay.

Ronan slipped his fingers under the metal tab and snapped his can open, vigorously gulping down the caramel colored liquid. Instantly refreshed, he let out a sigh of relief. And a burp.

The young man closed his eyes, inhaling the scent of crisp, but still moderately warm, early autumn air. The lithe wind tickled his face and birds chittered above him. It reminded him of his old house on the farm with his parents and siblings. He remembered leaning against the barn for hours, listening to the sounds of nature and all the thoughts his loud mind created.

Sometimes he'd get sleepy and he'd wake up in the evening, or even late at night, to a dream thing at his side. Once and a while it was on purpose, for practice. Perhaps when Ronan had a lot of the school day left, he'd practice dreaming in this corner he was making his own. Maybe even right now was a good time.

Ronan downed the remainder of his beverage before absentmindedly chucking the empty aluminum into the grass. He wanted another can but he also wanted a nap. Nap won the debate. Ronan scooted off the course concrete and onto the soft grass, flattened his backpack to substitute as a pillow, and curled up under one of the trees.

 

* * *

 

He was awakened by a light tap on the shoulder. He'd forgotten he fell asleep. Did Gansey track him down? Ronan didn't want to hear another one of Gansey's lectures about the importance of education and graduation and attendance.

But Ronan heard a voice that wasn't Gansey's. It was deeper and somewhat familiar yet unrecognizable. Ronan rolled over with a drawn-out groggy groan to see Adam standing over him.

"Oh, good, you're awake. I was afraid you'd passed out for a second," The sandy-haired boy spoke with relief, "I saw the beer can and got worried." 

"I was just napping. And people don't normally pass out from one singular beer." Ronan added as he sat himself up and stretched his long arms.

"I know, but I didn't know how much you could've drank beforehand. Sorry, I'm really cautious when it comes to that kind of stuff." Adam glanced down at the pebbles by his feet, nudging them around with his shoe sheepishly. This gave Ronan the notion that possibly Adam had past experience with drunk people, in one form or another.

Ronan gripped the thin tree trunk with one of his hands and got on his feet, "Its fine. How did you find me here?" 

"Ah, I was just walking' around because I had a while before my next class and I saw a pair of feet in the distance. I thought I'd better check it out to be sure no one was murdered on campus or something. Hope you didn't mind me waking you."

This boy named Adam seemed to have a light accent at times. Ronan couldn't recall where exactly it was from, but he almost found it endearing.

"I probably had to wake up anyway. And lots of people sleep on campus. This is college. Don't be so alarmed. Shit, what time is it?" Ronan worriedly rubbed the back of his neck and looked around for possible hints at the time of day.

"Uh.." Adam reached for his phone, "About 5 pm."

Ronan's eyes widened, "Shit man, I slept for like 4 hours." Ronan stood up, dusting off his pants and shirt even though there was no dust to be found. He started to stumble as he tried to grab his backpack off the grass.

Adam instinctively wrapped his arms around Ronan's torso, catching him before he fell. It was a close call because if Adam had missed, Ronan's face would've fallen flat on the concrete in front of him.

As soon as Ronan gained his balance, Adam let him go and asked worriedly, "Are you okay Ronan?"

"Yeah. Just a trip."

"Are you only referring to the physical trip you just did, or do you mean you're going on a trip with LSD or something?"

"Just my fall. I don't use drugs, Adam."

"I'm sorry. I was just making sure you were okay."

"Yeah." Ronan said abruptly, not making any eye contact. He'd hoped he didn't come off as rude. He wasn't angry at Adam at all for waking him up - Adam seemed like a gentleman. But Ronan was grumpy, still tired, and wanted to go home. He didn't forget about the remaining beers in his bag, either.

"Where's Gansey?" Ronan looked around and started walking in the direction of his car.

"No idea. I didn't have any classes with him today."

"I'll be heading home then. Uh, nice to see you, Adam."

"You too. See you around." Adam gave a small half-wave before turning on his heels.

Ronan was quite observant at times, and he noticed that Adam was persistent with school and his work. Adam seemed like a kind, understanding human being. Someone you could get easily comfortable with. 

A good person. 

Gansey was also a good person. He smiled sunshine and talked like a cultured, structured person who had their shit together. 

Ronan was such a contrast. He didn't believe he was a good person. He didn't see a need for school to help his future. He liked dressing down and letting lose. He didn't smile regularly. He was often grumpy or selfish. Most of all, Ronan often didn't feel alive. He knew that he would lose the respect of just about everyone if they knew about his body and his past. Not to mention he made impossible dream objects real.

Gansey was the only one at Ronan's side when he came out as transgender. Of course his little brother Matthew supported him no questions asked, and Declan eventually did after several months of misunderstanding and then eventually warming up to the idea, but in the beginning of his discovery, when Ronan was a pre-teen, Gansey was there. Gansey wasn't too young to understand the dangers of being trans like Matthew was. And Gansey wasn't extremely misinformed like Declan was at first. Ronan had no other friends at the time to help him through and his father was dead. He had his mother, but she was a comatose dream thing ever since his father passed. However, through bits and pieces of his childhood memories, he gathered that his mother was pleasant and unconditionally loved her children. So it was a given that she would respect the man Ronan had become.

Ronan had begun hormone replacement therapy at the age of 14 and changed his legal name to Ronan with his guardian's reluctant permission, which was Declan at the time. It took a lot to get Declan to understand how much Ronan truly needed testosterone, especially when his high school years were about to begin back then and he needed all of his peers to see him for who he was: a man. Ronan had never been so sure of anything else in his entire life, he knew the pros and cons, and he knew how much more comfortable he would be in his own skin if he had this. Once Declan got the message, Ronan was eternally grateful and never took for granted the acceptance of his brothers and best friend. He knew that other people like him weren't so lucky.

The boy adored all the changes that testosterone made possible. He treasured his deeper, masculine voice. His stubble when he shaved boosted his confidence and made him feel handsome instead of uncomfortable. His muscles, especially his abs, were his prized possessions. The shape of his form, squared out instead of curved, made his mind and body agree at last. He still had gender dysphoria, an uncomfortable feeling and sometimes disgust about his body, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be.

At the age of 16, Ronan got top surgery. He once again had to get his guardian's permission since he was underage. Permanently altering his body was a big decision, but he pondered it and pondered it, landing on the decision that having a flat chest would save his life. His chest was now flat as a pancake and he loved his body even more. Of course his discomfort would never fully go away, but his treatments helped immensely. He could take his shirt off freely without judgment and without seeing extra skin that didn't belong. He could live and breathe and just simply be Ronan. Just like all the other boys got to.

Only Gansey, his more recent friend Blue, and the Lynch brothers knew about this part of Ronan. And no one else was to ever know, unless Ronan trusted them with his heart and soul.

This was Ronan's secret. Not because he thought that being trans was a bad thing, and not because he was ashamed. But because he needed everyone to see him as male without second guessing and without stupid and ignorant questions. It was his personal choice to be stealth. It was easier for him. It was his business and he controlled who got to know his business.

Ronan drove to his and Gansey's place with the intention of getting shit-faced drunk. He grabbed the remaining beers from his bag and fetched a few more from the fridge for good measure. He treaded off to his room and collapsed on the soda-stained mattress.

He wanted to forget his problems. He wanted to forget that his body was different from the other boys. He wanted to forget about his depression and dysphoria. Mostly, he wanted to not think about how many people wouldn't see him as a real boy if they knew.

Alcohol was his best friend. Alcohol was there when he needed it. It was there when he was lonely and needed company. Alcohol didn't judge or discriminate.

Ronan hadn't eaten dinner that night. He found himself skipping meals more frequently. Not because he didn't want to eat, he either forgot or didn't care.

But he always remembered his drinks.

Ronan lost count of how many beers he grabbed. Probably five or six. Seven? It didn't matter. What mattered was that Ronan was going to feel numb, which was exactly what he wanted.

Ronan didn't remember what came next.

 

* * *

 

"Ronan," the blue-eyed boy felt Gansey shaking him. The next thing he knew, he felt something wet and cold on his forehead. Gansey was pouring cold water on him.

"The fuck?" Ronan groaned, rolling from his side and on to his stomach to look at Gansey, his eyes squinting from the bright light. There were two blurry Ganseys. Ronan was still drunk.

"So you are alive. I was really worried about you. You weren't waking up and there's beer cans all around. What the hell are you thinking? Don't you know its dangerous to drink that much alone?" Gansey had a concerned look on his face and tone in his voice, his eyes wide and a crease between his eyebrows.

Ronan had forgotten that there was someone who seemed to care about his wellbeing.

"You act like I care if something happens to me." Ronan said with his eyes closed to avoid the light.

"I know you don't but I do. And I'm not going to see you like this. Its happening more and more and its scary. I care about you Ronan. People care about you, ya know? Its not just you that exists. Don't forget about Matthew. You're letting him down."

Ronan's eyes shot open. Gansey knew how to pull at his heartstrings. Gansey knew how much Ronan cared about that little boy. If Ronan was going to live, it would be for his little brother. He didn't want to subject the little angel to sorrow and pain. He would continue to live in misery if it meant little Matthew would never had to experience it because Ronan would protect him from it.

What would Matthew think if he saw his older brother like this? What a disgraceful role model. Ronan was disgraceful. Shame washed over him and the alcohol made him feel overwhelmingly sad.

His emotions were swimming in booze, and now they were coming to the surface for air.

Ronan felt something wet trickle down his cheek. And it wasn't Gansey's ice water. It was warm. And came from his eye. 

"Shit I'm sorry, Ronan. I didn't mean to be so harsh. But I wanted you to realize what you're doing. I'm sorry I said too much." Gansey sat on the edge of the bed, looking the other way in shame.

"Its fine." Ronan's words were slowed and slurred by the alcohol, "You're not wrong. I need to be there for Matthew. I'm being a shitty brother."

Gansey turned back around, this time looking Ronan in the eyes unlike before. "You're not a shitty brother. You're an amazing one. Look how much you care about your sibling. You're just going through a rough time right now and you need to find a healthier way to cope."

Gansey's words struck a chord somewhere in Ronan. But he was too intoxicated and too exhausted to think. He just wanted to sleep.

"I'm going back to sleep. I'll be fine in the morning."

"You sure? You're not gonna die of alcohol poisoning?"

"I didn't drink that much. Now please leave. I'm tired as fuck."

"If you say so. I hope your hangover is manageable. If you need anything just shout for me." Gansey twisted the door knob and stepped out into the hall. He paused for a moment, awaiting a response. There wasn't one. He left Ronan in peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall got this chapter a couple days early because im feeling generous and have been making decent progress with my writing. i hope you guys enjoy! feel free to leave comments and let me know what you think, are you excited for more of this story?
> 
> as always, kudos and bookmarks are appreciated, thank you for your support and showing you care about the story :)


	3. Reckless Abandon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam glanced over while writing his own notes, witnessing Ronan sigh with defeat and resting his arm on the desk and his head on his arm.
> 
> Adam wanted to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we learn of Adam's demons, Ronan's car, and Adam's willingness to help Ronan.

A sturdy, powerful hand gripped Adam's limp wrist.

It was a grip he couldn't shake.

The hand was squeezing him, increasingly tighter and more intense.

Adam heard his bones snap. An antagonizing jolt of pain rushed through his body along with gruesome fear. He tried to scream at the top of his lungs, but all his efforts amounted to was silence.

Adam gasped and his eyes were open. There was no hand. No blood. No pain. Only him in his lonely dormitory. His roommate was at a friend's house. Adam just had a nightmare.

The pain felt so real in his dream. Like his dad was actually trying to twist his arm off.

Adam tried to gather himself. It was only a nightmare. It was only a nightmare. That's all it was and that's all it could be. Adam choked out a sigh of relief once he remembered that his father could never lay a finger on him again because his father was dead.

Adam felt guilty for being relieved. He knew it was bad to not mourn a death. But could anyone blame him? His dad had abused him for years. He was a victim of child abuse. Physically and mentally. He had all kinds of scars to prove it. Scars on his body and scars embedded into his mind.

There was no love between him and his dad. Only abuse, neglect, and brokenness. His drunken dad was his abuser. Although Adam's dad had been gone for over a year now due to a car crash from driving drunk, Adam still felt the pain sometimes. He knew he would carry it with him for the rest of his life. His occasional nightmares were a part of that.

The clock said 6:25 am. Adam's alarm was going to ring in five minutes anyway. He rubbed his wrist where it was squeezed in the dream, looking at it and touching it to give him tactile proof it was only a dream. He then shut his alarm off and began getting ready for his class at 8.

 

* * *

 

The English class Adam had with his new acquaintances, Gansey and Ronan, began after Adam's 8am morning class. Adam had three classes that were two hours long each before he could even have a lunch break. However, Adam didn't mind. He was a hard worker. He only had time to work, study, and sleep. And squeeze in a meal here and there.

Adam made his way from one building to the next. The late morning was cool and quiet. He admired his surroundings and the silence. A few leaves on some of the trees were beginning to change. Soon Adam would need to wear a jacket.

Just as Adam was admiring the tranquility, a reckless car came rumbling into the parking lot to Adam's left. The disturbance was a shiny black Dodge Challenger. It was obviously well kept and loved by its owner. Adam liked the look of the car but he didn't appreciate the obnoxious driver. He sighed and rolled his eyes in disapproval, wondering how he was going to deal with rowdy college boys for the rest of the semester.

Someone hopped out of the Challenger from the driver's side. It looked an awful lot like Ronan. Oh, and someone else from the passenger side. It looked like Gansey. Adam was taken aback that he was so annoyed by what turned out to be his own acquaintances, but he thought "Am I really that surprised?" When he remembered Ronan's attitude. How did a boy like Gansey even tolerate him, let alone befriend him?

"Hey, that looks like Adam!" Adam heard shouting from the parking lot. It came from the boy who looked like Gansey, so it must be Gansey. The boy was jogging closer. Adam paused.

"Oh, hey guys," Adam responded casually, giving a small wave.

"Yo," Ronan remarked, several steps behind Gansey.

"I didn't expect to run into you on the way to class. But now that we're all here we can walk together," Gansey stepped foot on the sidewalk, already paces ahead of Adam and Ronan.

Ronan was sluggish, grumpy, and tired. Not that it was anything new from what Adam knew about Ronan, but something was different. Ronan was slower and had a look on his face that said he didn't feel well.

"You feel okay?" Adam questioned, a tone of concern in his voice.

"Yeah. Just a little hungover."

"Oh. I hope it goes away soon." 

"It will. I can handle it."

Gansey called from several feet ahead of them, "C'mon, catch up you guys!"

"No one has as much energy as your happy-go-lucky ass does in the morning," Ronan scuffed.

The three college freshmen boys made it to their first class with five minutes to spare, sitting in the same seats as the previous class.

As the lecture dragged on, Adam watched Ronan struggle to concentrate with his notes. He absentmindedly rolled his lip ring with his tongue as he wrote his notes down with pen, occasionally scratching things out and rewriting them. He was trying, but his swift fingers were not swift enough. Ronan kept up with the notes yesterday, but he wasn't drunk or hung over. Today he was hung over and it was clearly a severe case. Adam glanced over while writing his own notes, witnessing Ronan sigh with defeat and resting his arm on the desk and his head on his arm.

Adam wanted to help him.

When the professor dismissed the class and the lecture was over, Adam looked in Ronan's direction and thought of an offer.

"Hey Ronan, I saw you fell asleep. Im sorry about your hangover. If you want, I can send you the part of the notes that you missed."

"Im gonna be missing a lot of notes, Adam."

"You need to at least get most of the beginning chapters so that you can start out strong enough to ride out the semester."

"He's right, Ronan," Gansey chimed in, "I got almost all the stuff written down but I don't write notes as good as Adam's. If you're gonna look at anyones notes, I suggest his."

"I'll take pics of them and send them to you." Adam pulled out his phone, snapping the last two pages of notes that Ronan gave up on. He understood Ronan was going through a rough time and wanted to give him a little boost. Perhaps if his notes were done, he might even get motivation to do one (1) homework assignment.

"There's really no need," Ronan insisted.

Gansey remarked, "Too bad."

Adam handed over his phone, "Type your number in."

Ronan scuffed and rolled his eyes, reluctantly taking the phone from Adam's hands. A few taps later, Adam's phone was handed back to him.

"Even though I said I don't need them, thank you." Although Ronan acted annoyed, he was thankful that his friend Gansey, and his new friend Adam, cared about him.

The boys made their departure, Adam and Ronan walking the same path to their building. They walked in silence. Not because they didn't want to talk, but because they didn't know what to say. They vaguely knew each other, and it was awkward without Gansey.

Nonetheless, Adam wanted to get to know his friends better. He doubted if any of the other wealthy boys would even consider talking to him, let alone associating with him. He didn't even understand why Gansey was so willing to talk to him. He didn't understand why Ronan would talk to him either. Well, besides talking to Adam because Gansey did. But Adam saw that Ronan didn't disapprove of him in the same way that Gansey didn't disapprove of him. He could see that they both wanted to be his friend. This made Adam confused, but content. He never imagined making friends on this campus where he feels so out of place, a misfit outsider, but he somehow has. He made two friends on the first day. Adam has impressed himself. These friends didn't seem like they were dishonest either, they seemed wholesome and non-judgmental. Adam dared himself to indulge in thinking for a moment, but only a fleeting moment, that maybe one day in the future he could become a close friend to both of them. Maybe it was possible. Maybe it wasn't. But Adam didn't allow himself to entertain it for long, because he knows all too well that too many high hopes and expectations can lead to disappointment.

Adam didn't want to lose these new ties he had. He didn't want their greetings to eventually fade away, and he didn't want to never talk to them again after the semester ends. These friends had potential, and Adam wanted to get to know them. He wanted to know more about them, like why they decided to attend this university or what they're studying. Especially for Ronan, who didn't seem like he was really aiming for anything. Adam wondered how Ronan was going to pull through this semester because it was barely the beginning and he was already slacking off and skipping class. Adam also wondered if maybe there was something else going on. Maybe Ronan was struggling because of something going on in his life. Maybe Ronan needed help. Maybe a little help and encouragement will go a long way.

Adam is good at helping.

"Ronan, do you need help with any of your classes at all?" Adam bravely broke the increasingly uncomfortable silence and tried to take advantage of an opportunity, before his chances at friendship slip away.

"I'm fine." Ronan's words were blunt and swift.

"You're clearly not. You need to study while you still have the time because before you know it, you'll be drowning in missing work and won't be able to pass anything. You will regret it. I know we don't know each other well, and not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty good at tutoring. If you need help, now is the time before there's too much work for you to handle."

"Not to toot your own horn?" Ronan tried to contain his laugh but failed. A smile formed, and Adam had never seen one of those on Ronan. Adam could tell Ronan was laughing with him, not at him. Ronan wasn't mocking him, he just thought the saying was funny.

Adam chuckled too. "Sorry, I couldn't think of another way to word it. But you know what I mean."

"You're a weird one for sure," remarked Ronan jokingly.

"I don't have work after my classes today so if you're not busy I could meet you in the lounge or the library to study or your dorm?"

"I don't have a dorm. I share an apartment with Gansey."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot some people have apartments," Adam felt foolish. Of course some of these rich boys could afford apartments at their young age. An apartment never even occurred to Adam. Adam's only option was a dorm because his shitty house was too far away, especially without a car, and he didn't want to stay there a moment longer. He was lucky he was even able to afford a dorm in addition to his classes. He would be in debt for a long time, but a chance at a better life and more opportunities was well worth it.

"No worries. I don't want to go to the shitty lounge because its loud and annoying as fuck. And I'd rather not deal with some people I might run into there. I don't want to go to the library because it's silent studying and we'd need to talk. Im most comfortable at the apartment."

"Okay fair enough," Adam stumbled over his words, "How far is the walk to yours and Gansey's apartment?"

"It's a couple miles at least. I wouldn't want you to waste your time walking there."

"Oh. I'm sorry, but I might not be able to make it then. I, uh, don't have a car. Probably weird for someone at Aglionby," Adam felt shame and embarrassment wash over him. Would Ronan judge him for his financial situation?

Ronan stated bleakly, "Its not weird. We can't all have everything."

Ronan's tone suggested that he knew the feeling. Perhaps not with money, but maybe with something else.

Ronan added after a brief pause, "What time does your last class end? I could give you a ride, ya know."

"It ends at four."

Adam didn't like being given things. Normally Adam would refuse the offer of a ride. But because he was helping Ronan, and Ronan was willing to let Adam help him, he just might have to accept the ride. To help his new friend.

"Okay, cool. Gansey and I are out of our classes by 3:30. You know where the Challenger is. Consider yourself lucky to be able to ride in it, Parrish."

Adam was caught offguard. How did Ronan know his last name? Did he remember back to the first day in English during attendance? Ronan was paying attention? Adam was thoroughly astonished that anyone would remember any details about him. Adam was not memorable or important to anyone. Adam was, well, Adam. Plain, practical, poor.

"Thank you for the offer. I'm glad you're willing to study. See you later," Adam expressed gratefully, entering the building where they part.

 

* * *

 

Adam made his way to the parking lot where he ran into the Challenger that morning. Ronan and Gansey were already there, Ronan sitting on the hood talking to Gansey in front of him.

"Hey guys," Adam greeted the boys as Ronan hopped off the Challenger's hood.

"Hey Adam. Its so nice of you to tutor Ronan," Gansey said, entering the Challenger on the passenger side, joining Ronan in the driver's. This left Adam in the back.

"Its not an issue. I know its hard to get through college."

Just as Adam clicked his seat belt in, there was a roaring of the engine and Ronan backed out of the parking spot. Ronan wasted no time exiting the lot, making a turn sharper than a razor blade. Adam could tell that Ronan really loved his car.

The first light the boys ran into was yellow. Instead of slowing down, Ronan saw it as a challenge. It was a Challenger, afterall. His foot pounded the petal and the car accelerated on the highway and the car zoomed past just as the light was turning red.

"Ronan please slow down, you know I don't like being in fast cars. Its dangerous." Gansey exclaimed to his friend from the front seat.

"Relax Gansey, it was only a light. People go through yellow lights all the time. Im going the speed limit now. You know I'd be going faster and being a lot less careful if it was only me in the car."

Ronan was a speed demon, and he didn't care about his own safety. But he took precautions when other people were in the car.

Ronan drove them, safely, to their destination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being a couple days late, I am slacking on writing as its approaching finals week. I will have way more time to write once this semester is over in a couple weeks, thank you for your patience!
> 
> As always, comments and feedback are greatly appreciated and help me with motivation. Thank you so much for reading my story!


	4. This Is Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You okay?" Adam asked worriedly.
> 
> "I'm fine. All done now." Ronan began packing up his equipment and setting it on his night stand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adam learns more about Ronan.

Adam was welcomed into the apartment of Ronan and Gansey. It was small but practical, and in a good part of town. The entrance led to a small living room, and beyond the living room was a small hallway with a bedroom on each side and a bathroom at the end. The kitchen was a tiny space to the left of the entrance, with barely enough room for a few people to be standing in it at once. It was small and functional, perfect for two college roommates. The living room was nearly fully furnished, a couch and a flatscreen TV in the living room with a coffee table.

Adam noticed something that stuck out like a sore thumb in the living room. In the corner was a strange potted plant that Adam swore he had never seen before. It looked like a venus fly trap, but instead of about four inches tall, it was about four feet tall. The traps had a deep red inside and were probably about a foot long each.

"What is that?" Adam pointed to the alien-like plant, "Did you get that from Mars or something? Do you catch birds with it?" 

"Obviously it came from Venus, hence the name Venus Fly Trap," Ronan said matter-of-factly in a playful and sarcastic tone.

"Its just - I've never seen anything like it. It looks so real. Is it fake?" Adam wanted to find out for sure but he was afraid to touch it in case one of the traps might snap at him or something. Only Ronan would know what this plant is capable of.

"Oh, its real. You can touch it, its completely harmless. The traps are solely for decorative purposes. They don't move."

Adam trusted Ronan enough to believe him. He wearily made his way to the plant, cautiously reaching his hand out. When his fingertips touched a leaf and nothing happened, Adam felt safe enough to rub his fingers on a leaf. It felt like a real plant with real leaves. This plant was definitely real.

"Wow, it really is real. Where exactly does this plant come from?" Adam asked curiously. His mind was drawing a blank. Maybe some rare species in some remote tropical rain forest?

"Of course its real. I don't lie. And maybe I can tell you a story about its origin one day."

Adam found that wording strange. A story of its origin? Why couldn't Ronan tell him the country or even just the area of the world it came from?

"Why not tell me now?"

"Because its a long story." Ronan spoke firmly and bluntly. Adam got a message that Ronan didn't want to be questioned any further for whatever reason, so Adam hastily dropped the topic.

"We have chocolate chip cookies on the kitchen counter if you want to help yourself, Adam. Brain food." Gansey pointed to the kitchen behind him with his thumb over his shoulder. Ronan fleeted to the room on the left in the hallway, which Adam assumed was his room.

Adam did indeed help himself to a cookie. He was hungry because he accidentally skipped lunch, due to being immersed in his studies during his break. He knew he would feel bad later for taking someone else's food, but the sound of a soft, scrumptious, gooey chocolate chip cookie was so overwhelmingly tempting and it exactly what Adam needed. He forgot about everything else for a moment. He stood at the counter gobbling the cookie but also savoring the taste.

When Adam was done with his cookie, he figured Ronan didn't hear Gansey and that Ronan might want one too. So he grabbed one for the Irish boy to take to his room.

Adam was so fixed on asking Ronan about the cookie that he forgot to knock. The door was open a crack and Adam propped it open to reveal Ronan sitting on his bed in his boxers, with his pants unzipped and fallen to his ankles. He was wearing boxers, and had a needle in his hand. He was gripping an area of his thigh and about to shoot whatever substance was in the needle into his thigh.

"Ronan, what the-"

"SHIT, PARRISH!" Ronan shouted in panic, his face twisted in alarm, trying to cover his legs and hide the needle.

But Adam had already seen.

Adam felt panic and shock. What was Ronan getting himself into? "I thought you said you weren't doing drugs. And then you said you don't lie, but now-"

"I'm not doing drugs." Ronan stated in a forthright manner. He let out a frustrated sigh, his hand clasping his forehead, his face twisted in vexation.

"Then what was in that needle and why were you so panicked when I saw?"

Ronan took in a deep breath and let out an exhausted sigh.

Adam waited for an answer.

"Please hear me out, Adam. Its a T shot. I take testosterone. I need it because it helps me feel more comfortable with my body. I'm, uh, trans." Ronan looked away in embarrassment. He was like a scared animal. He was vulnerable. Adam had never seen him like this and thought he never would see Ronan like this. This was a new, and seemingly rare, side of Ronan that Adam was witnessing for the first time.

As Adam began to soak in what had just happened, he felt embarrassment and sorrow wash over him in a crashing wave. "Fuck I'm sorry Ronan. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to invade your privacy and then go as far as to accuse you of lying. That was very inconsiderate on my part."

"It's no biggie. That's what it looked like and I wouldn't have expected you to know what taking testosterone is or what it looks like. You probably would've found out this part of me sooner or later anyway. Not that its a big deal and not that its some shameful secret that I hide. I've simply learned to not trust just anyone with personal parts of myself." Ronan paused, "But you seem pretty alright, Parrish." Ronan's smile peeked out from one of the corners of his mouth.

"Still, I'm sorry this is the way it happened. I'm sorry you came out to me when you weren't ready. I feel really bad." Adam took another step into the room, gesturing to the bed, "May I?"

Ronan gave him a soft nod, permitting Adam to sit on the bed as he stood up to begin adjusting his pants back onto his legs.

"Hey, don't forget to finish your shot. If you want me to leave, just say so."

Just then Gansey's voice projected from another part of the house, "Is everything alright? I heard yelling!"

"Everything's fine, Adam just startled me," Ronan called back in response, and then his voice lowered to answer Adam, "Shit I almost forgot I never actually injected it. And its fine, you can stay." Ronan grabbed the needle that he had tossed behind him on the bed when Adam startled him. The needle was still clean and Ronan's skin was still out.

He injected the substance into his thigh, sucking in a breath through his gritted teeth. It wasn't very painful, just uncomfortable.

"You okay?" Adam asked worriedly.

"I'm fine. All done now." Ronan began packing up his equipment and setting it on his night stand.

"Once again, I'm very sorry."

"Once again, don't worry about it."

"Do you want to do what I came here for now? Pull out your notes. And, oh! I brought you a cookie." Amidst the chaos, Adam had forgotten he was holding a chocolate chip cookie in his hand. That was the entire purpose he came to Ronan's room in the first place.

"Yeah," Ronan leaned over the bed to retrieve his notebook in his backpack, "and no thank you, I'm not hungry."

"Eat it. Like Gansey said, its brain food." Adam chuckled and swung his arm to Ronan to give him the cookie.

Ronan clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes with a grin on his face, accepting the cookie from Adam's warm and generous hand.

Adam adjusted himself on the bed to face Ronan and go over his notes with him. As Ronan was grabbing his notes, Adam glanced around the room. There were a few shelves on two of the walls that had strange objects of all sorts. Did Ronan collect every strange thing he saw? Adam concluded that maybe he had a knack for collecting.

Once Ronan retrieved his notes, the boys reviewed Ronan's English notes as well as the rest of them that Adam sent, and Adam explained a few concepts 

There was a girl's voice coming from the other end of the house. Had Gansey let someone else in?

Suddenly, Adam heard a knock, Ronan gave the okay, and Adam saw Gansey's head pop in the door.

An excited Gansey said, "Ronan, Blue's here! Come say hi," he added, "Introduce yourself, Adam. Blue is one of our good friends."

The boys made their way down the small hall to the living room where a short girl stood with wild dark hair in a pony tail and bobby pins to tame it. Her clothes were bright with her legs clad in mustard yellow skinny jeans, accompanied by a light blue shirt. Mismatch socks poked out from her cuffed jeans, one sock was highlighter yellow with white polka dots, and the other was solid light blue. Despite the clothing colors normally clashing, Blue somehow made them work in harmony.

"Hey Ronan, hey again Gansey," Blue greeted her friends with joy before glancing at Adam, "And who's this?"

"I'm Adam, and I've heard you're Blue?"

"Yep, that's me! Nice to meet you, Adam. Im assuming you met Gansey and Ronan from Aglionby?" Blue seemed like an energetic and lively soul. She reminded Adam of the sun. 

"Yeah, ran into them on the first day. I stopped by tonight to tutor Ronan."

"Good, he needs someone to keep him in shape," Blue playfully nudged Ronan and he nudged her back.

Once Blue was greeted, Adam and Ronan went back to Ronan's room while Gansey and Blue sat on the couch to watch a movie.

Eventually Adam covered all of Ronan's subjects and it was time for Adam to retire to his dorm for the evening. Ronan non-recklessly drove the Challenger a couple of miles back to the campus.

When Ronan hit the breaks and Adam gathered his things, the Irish boy looked at Adam with gratitude. "Thank you for helping me. I've never had anyone reach out like that besides Gansey and Blue."

"No problem. Thanks for the ride. Uh, have a good night."

"Same to you."

There was a pause longer than there should've been when they exchanged glances before Adam exited the car and went on his way.

The Challenger stormed off into the evening.

* * *

When Adam finally rested on his bed after studying for his own material, he hoped that Ronan would use what he learned and make more efforts in his studies. Even if it would get Ronan to show up to class one extra time or get him to complete one more assignment, Adam felt his work was well worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the break! Sometimes I need some space away from writing so I can come back to it with a fresh pair of eyes. Thank you all for your patience. Feel free to show your support for this story with kudos and comments!


End file.
